Home is What You Make It

Since Chris accepted the position with the district court and we know we will be in Provo at least another 1 1/2 years (or so) I feel like I am finally settling in for "good". I have often struggled with being content and not wishing to be in the next stage of life, but as I have mentioned before, I have not felt this tendency very much, which has been a huge blessing in my life. It also has helped me to reflect on "wants" and "needs" which is why we will be staying in our same apartment during Chris' upcoming clerkship. Some people may wonder how we can still stand to be in an apartment; of course I would LOVE to own a house and be able to decorate and have a backyard for my boys to play in (and a garage for my oldest boy to play in!) but in the meantime I can honestly say I am happily living in our "home" for now. Even though we never intended on being in this apartment as long as we have been (it will be 5 years this August) I think we are finally starting to put some "permanency" into it; though we can't paint the walls, my latest projects have been decorating and rearranging. I have a long list of decor to add to rooms and other projects to complete. I said to Chris tonight that I think we are really making things ours.

I also really liked this post on a BYU blog I recently came across about de-cluttering, as well as this quote: “Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful" (William Morris). It has made me think about what we have in our home, the feelings and atmosphere we are trying to create and what we can do (or not do) to have the type of home that fits our personalities, goals and most importantly, somewhere where the Spirit can reside.

Our latest project has been one that I have dragged my feet on and flat out refusing to even consider. Then suddenly one day I had a change of heart, I rearranged our bedroom and as of tonight (a big thanks to Kevin/relief for Julane for giving us the tank and gravel!) this is now what we see from our bed:
Lights on/lights off...
Which actually fits perfect in our room since we are going to decorate it with kind of a beach theme (hibiscus flower patterns, palm trees, etc). Not tacky, minimally and tastefully. Just enough to add some "fun" to the room. I will post more pictures as we do more decorating. Right now we are looking for a neat big beach poster to put in a big frame over our bed. That and we will be introducing African dwarf frogs and a variety of fish to their new tank over the next few weeks. Chris is excited for me to "decorate" the fish tank as well (we already have a really cool hammock/palm trees to start). And I think he is right, this could be a really fun family project and I think it adds even more to the atmosphere we are trying to create in OUR home!
Chris cleaning out the tank to get it ready. The boys know we are getting it but we are pretty sure they will be pretty stoked when they wake up in the morning. I am sure their next question will be (at least Ian since he can verbalize it) will be: Where's the fish? We took the boys to a pet store the other night with Grandie and Cooper was so excited to see all the animals, especially the fish. I guess that might have been what pushed me over the edge...it's amazing what mothers will do when they think they think they can bring a little added joy to their children's (and husband's) lives.

LDS Church's Statement on "Big Love"

The following link to the Church's statement, as well as the video are beautiful representations of our beliefs in temples and an amazing portrayal of how well the Church responds to possible criticisms; I think we can all learn a lot from this, as it seems like this truly is the way our Savior would want us to act, respond and teach others about the truths of the restoried gospel. This is from the LDS Church's home page:

"Visit the Newsroom to read the Church’s official statement Church’s official statement on an upcoming episode of HBO’s Big Love that is said to depict temple ceremonies. If you would like to learn more, watch the video below that explains why we build temples."

Yay for Running!

We are so excited for the Rex Lee Run this Saturday! We are doing the 5K, along with a bunch of our family members.

We'll for sure post pictures after the race. Today I went to the law school and went with Chris and the boys to a presentation by Prof. Tom Lee (son of Rex Lee) and Dean Hansen who knew Rex Lee back in the early days of the law school. It is inspiring every time I hear about this great man. Prof. Lee quote a scripture, Doctrine and Covenants 58:27 " Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;" He talked about how Rex Lee was an example of this, that he never intended to be the founding Dean of the J. Reuben Clark Law School or the president of BYU, or even the Solicitor General, but he was always anxiously engaged in looking for causes to be involved in, and as a result he led a full, energetic, enthusiastic life. He loved people and people felt loved by him. I am grateful for the legacy and inspiration Rex Lee is to me. It helps me to consider how I can be anxiously engaged and live my life in such a way to do great things within my sphere of influence. Also, I love that Rex Lee started running in his late 30's! That makes me feel like I can continue to make running an important part of our family. Prof. Lee said Rex Lee probably ran 12 marathons and because of his enthusiasm for running, all 5 of Prof. Lee's sister, his brother, himself and his mother have been runners. He said they used to go on Saturday morning runs as a family. I love that! And I love to see a wonderful example of the opportunities we have for good, to influence and to love and live life to its fullest.
This is before the July 4th 5K we did in Vegas; Chris' first. I promise it's addicting and so much fun to be with so many people who love to run (or hate it but still do it!) You can still register for the run: http://rexleerun.byu.edu/index.php
This is after the 5K our stake does twice a year (this was last October). I ran with the boys in the jogger. Luckily my knee has been doing better since then though I still am wearing the dang knee brace since it is still tender.

2008 Christmas Card

Most of you probably got this in the mail at Christmastime (if not you can send us your address so we can make sure you get one this year :) ) We have a ball writing our letter and making this picture every year. I am hoping to get the full version of Photoshop Elements soon (hint, hint, my birthday is coming up) so I can do stuff like this more often. I loved being on yearbook in high school and have never been a fan of paper scrapbooking so this seems to be right up my alley. I love seeing what a great year we had in 2008 and it is so fun to already see all the fun memories and experiences we will have for 2009's Christmas card come December.

Bragging Rights

I doubted Chris would post this himself, so I figured as his wife this type of thing is my prerogative. Ever since we ran the 5K in Las Vegas last summer we have been looking forward to doing more with our running. I am proud to say that Chris especially is keeping this going. He has been going to the indoor track 2-3 times a week since the start of the year. His goal is to run at least 100 times during 2009 (I think he is up 15 right now). I am extremely proud of him, his efforts and progress. The above picture is his first under 30 minute 3-mile run! He has been doing awesome! He is actually out for a run as I type this.

We are looking forward to the Rex Lee 5K next Saturday. We have races planned for the upcoming months as well. I am grateful Chris is trying so hard to stay in shape and push himself to achieve goals he may not have ever considered before. Keep running!

Making Friends

Wow, so really I am discovering tons of drafts that I never posted during my hiatus from blogging (heck, I'm still on the hiatus but figure I can slowly post stuff when I care to, right?) Anyways, this is Ian making friends with another little boy at the park last fall. He was having fun throwing the ball to him. It's cute to see how much Ian likes to play with other children; he recently said, "I like making friends." We are trying to encourage him in his interactions so that hopefully he doesn't struggle as much as Chris and I have socially! He has a lot to learn (but what 3 year old has it all down yet?) about sharing and expressing feelings more appropriately, but he is such a sweetheart with a big heart and good intentions.

Hit Me Baby, One More Time

So, you see that big board up there at the top of our blog? Yeah, that one. It is about nine inches square and about 3/8ths of an inch thick. There is one just like it hanging up a few inches above our headboard. It says something pithy about cherishing the past and living in the present. Anydangway, I had two dreams last night. In one, I got to drive a Nissan GT-R and I raced a guy in an Aston Martin One-77. It was a sweet, sweet dream, other than that the GT-R was green. I hate green cars. Oh, and the oh-so-gorgeous Aston somehow morphed into a Mitsuoka Orochi. Eeeew.

I digress. The second dream was that someone hit me between the eyes with a board. It hurt. A lot. Strangely. I woke up this morning with a little scratch and a lump just above my nose and the board was missing from on the wall. We didn't start to put the pieces together until an hour and a half later, when Jenny awoke to the smell of fresh blueberry waffles, sausage and eggs and discovered that she was spooning the pithy board on her side of the bed.

Now, for most of the day, we have been too busy to really discuss it, but as Jenny and I have been getting ready for bed, I have been razzing her about beating me up in my sleep twice now (she chipped my tooth within the first three months we were married). Her response? "Look, all we know is that you had a dream that someone whacked you with a board, that you have a bump on your head and that the board was on my side of the bed. That proves nothing!" You know what I say to that? GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY! :)

Living Life

I was just reading a friend's blog and she said that she hasn't blogged in awhile because she has been busy living life. I really liked that. So I figured since it is almost February it was probably time to update my Christmas background, add a few pictures and philosophize for a few minutes. It's interesting how easily we can get caught up in things that don't really matter and how refreshing it can be to make positive changes. I almost have to laugh at myself at how "married" to my bad habits I have become over time and yet how much happier I am now that my priorities are more in order. Not to say that I am perfect or do things right everyday; I definitely have my moments. But overall it is so nice just to feel the peace that comes from not running after and spending most of your time on the things that don't matter as much. I am not trying to knock blogging or whatever other moms do to stay sane, because heaven knows I was thrilled to have my boys in bed by 7 pm tonight and have some time to do the dishes then just "veg" on the computer for awhile. But that is the difference for me. I don't have to be on the computer all the time. Before it was almost as if I felt like I was being unproductive if I wasn't completing tasks on the computer and yet the simple joys and responsibilities were sitting undone all around me.

I also have had to let go of blogging right now for the most part because I was so obsessive about making sure I had practically ever photo/event from our lives posted and that became an impossible task! No wonder I was feeling overly anxious!! I just looked in my pictures folder and had to laugh; my "to blog" folders date back to August. Oh well. I had figured at one point that the blog would be my "scrapbook" and that we would print it at the end of each year and have some form of family history. But I have just had to let it go; I don't have to blog everything, that's just not realistic and expecting that was not making me happy; it was making me anxious and upset, so silly. Funny that for awhile there I was willing to base my happiness on my life being "blogged" rather than enjoyed. It's fun to keep records. I love writing and I really do enjoy blogging, but not when it ends up hurting me or my family; I didn't like that I was being driven to do something at costs that just didn't make sense! So I hope I can be more balanced about my time and standards in blogging when I allow myself to do it more regularly again. :) I have been trying to be better about writing in my journal or recording thoughts about being a woman/mother on another blog, but I am taking the pressure off so life can be enjoyed not just pushed to a point that it's no fun.

So here is a very brief snapshot of what I've mainly been up to the last few months:

Trying to spend more quality time with Ian, especially during Cooper's naps. We made oatmeal cookies. We try to have quiet/reading time each day (unfortunately I am the one who wants to nap after this, but Ian thinks otherwise...). I also have started a schedule of an activity/"project" that we do each day. Last week went really well, this week being sick, I didn't have much motivation to follow through on my plans, but that's okay. Hopefully next week will be better and it is at least a step toward being more proactive in doing fun stuff with my kids!
Decorating the house for Christmas was a blast! (and then I took pictures of all of it, I was so tickled with how it turned out, I'm a nerd). Chris was really busy at the start of December preparing for finals so I was really proud when I went to our storage unit by myself (that would be a first) and got all the Christmas boxes and Ian and I set most of it up ourselves. We saved decorating the tree for a Saturday morning when Chris was home. I have to admit, I don't think I've ever decorated a tree in the morning but it was really fun! Since our boys just love getting up early it was still dark outside; it was kind of cozy and neat to be decorating in the still of the morning, wearing our pj's. That might just be a new tradition, we'll see. I bought a few new decorations on sale at Roberts and those are my cute stockings I sewed last year with the help of Chris' mom and sister, Robyn. They turned out great, I am very proud of them! And I do have to give Chris credit for picking out the fabric. I am one lucky girl, it's not many women who can get their husband in a fabric store, let alone have him care what you choose for stocking material!
Cooper discovered how to climb on the Cooper which was really funny. We took it to his 1 year pictures at JCPenney and had it in the picture with him which was cute. Cooper is a funny boy. My best guess here is that Ian depantsed (sp?) the poor child; Ian is very successful in the torturing his younger brother arena. Coop is still not walking yet, which is fine with me, since I am a little nervous to have both of them running around our apartment! He will stand up for a few seconds and has taken a few timid steps. Otherwise he crawls speedily around (we call him "Scamper") and love to get in to whatever he can--lately it is the hand mixer and onions from the cupboard. Tonight he decided to crawl into the dishwasher while I was unloading it and throw glass plates onto the floor; luckily they didn't break but he did act pretty put out when I scolded him. He looked at me like, what's your problem mom, I'm just throwing things! Leave it to mom, she always spoils the fun...
I keep plenty busy between the boys, the house, Law Partners, and my calling. Plus we started a little co-op preschool (Chris refuses to call it "Joy School" so I try to support his wishes....) with a few other kids/moms in our ward. At first I was pretty worried about doing it, even though we rotate and I only have it about once a month. We do it twice a week and have been learning the alphabet. It really has been fun to come up with creative ways to teach the letters, with games, books (have I mentioned I love books?! If you didn't know that, check out my goodreads! LOL), songs, crafts and snacks. This week was Jello jigglers for "J". All four of the children, including Ian, started Sunbeams in January, which honestly freaks me out. It's amazing how having a child old enough to attend Sunbeams makes you feel really old! Mostly I just pray for the teachers and hope they can have patience with my dear, lovable but energetic and talkable 3 year old! It's amazing how fast he is growing up and what a smart boy he is! I am amazed daily at the conversations we have, the things he says and remembers. What a joy! (and yet such a trial at other times!! He is definintely in the power/testing limits stage!!)
Mostly I just thought this was a sweet pic of Chris and Ian. Ian loves to cuddle. Today he came in and said, "Mom, hold me." Talk about melting your heart! How could it get any better than this? I wouldn't trade this for the world. But really the other reason I chose this pic is because I couldn't find one of Chris, especially not one of both of us in it. Crazy how you have kids and suddenly you and your spouse are really not that exciting to take pictures of! (not that we ever were...) I have really been trying to focus more on Chris lately. Luckily we have found a new shared hobby, watching "House" together. I watched one episode with him that was kind of risque which bugged me, but was glad I gave it another shot. Not that I love some of the junk that is in it sometimes (not that I'm trying to justify it...it is sad that TV has so much bad stuff in it nowadays!) but it has been something really fun for us to relax and look forward to. We ended up signing up for Netflix so we could get the past seasons and are also watching Season 5 currently which luckily has moved to Monday nights so it no longer conflicts with Chris' YM's on Tuesday nights! Post-FHE time for Chris and I! :) I know I have a long ways to go to learn to be the type of wife and person Chris needs, but it is reassuring to me that I recognize this and that I am trying to change, despite how slow and frustrating that process may be, especially to poor Chris who is incredibly patient with me as I strive to change.

P.S. I am on a huge red and black kick lately (I know the red shouldn't surprise many of you...). If you've seen my house lately I am doing red accents in our living room and working on a few other accent projects. Not quite sure when I am going to do those (could have tonight instead of blogging or doing stuff on the internet, but oh well, on the next "free" night I have) but it has been a fun new project just to add a little fun new decor to our house. I figure I should make this home since this really is "home" for now! The new pic at the top of our blog is a sign I bought a few months ago that I love. It fits in great with my new red/black theme, but more importantly really epitomizes how I am trying to live life now. Oh, and I was super excited for our new Valentine's day background as it too makes me just feel happy inside to see it, since it is totally fulfilling my red/black addiction.

Life is Good

It's time for bed. Chris said my bedtime was 10 or 10:30 pm tonight. He's studying like crazy for his last final (I'm proud he's working so hard) and the boys actually went down by 7 pm tonight, which meant I was able to crash on the couch for a few minutes (unintentionally), do the dishes, and work on random stuff that piles up now that I am not being so OCD anymore. And I can tell you, life is so much better when I'm not freaking out about "everything" and trying to do "everything" and focusing obsessively on all the little things in life that don't really matter. I have actually played with the boys multiple days this week (it's still weird to me that I was actually paid to play and struggled even then; I still have plenty to learn!). Ian and I made oatmeal cookies today, since he's been asking to do that for weeks, it was a small success that I finally followed through after telling him over and over that we would.

I think it is far too easy to become complacent and end up doing things that don't really make you happy, even though it makes sense intellectually that what you are doing doesn't make sense. I know I'm being really abstract, but it all makes sense to me, and the past few weeks have been very therapeutic for me. I feel better. I feel happier. I feel lighter; it's almost as if years of worry are being stripped off as I refocus my attention and self on the best things in life. I feel good and I hope I can keep doing what matters most, 'cause life really is good right now.

Adoration

I don't think I really ever grasped what it would be like to love your own children. But a year later, I guess I kind of feel like the Grinch whose heart grew three sizes. I am grateful for the growth I have experienced in the last year. Looking back there have been some really difficult times, but I feel blessed because I think I am better person as a result. It is amazing to experience the change brought about by a new baby. I think in a lot of way Cooper has helped me learn to love and play and slow down in ways I don't know that I would have otherwise. I remember when he was born, holding him and just staring at him, so sweet and innocence. It really is a holy experience to give birth and then hold in your arms a precious child of God, and to know that they are a little part of you, hoping with all your heart that you can be enough for him. When my father-in-law visited us at the hospital and held Cooper for the first time the night he was born, he became teary and whispered quietly that he was a very special spirit. I don't know that I quite understood then, nor do I think I fully do even now, but I do know I have been changed by Cooper. My heart is full with joy and gratitude for the love and happiness I feel as I hold and play with him. Motherhood is one of the most difficult things I have done thus far, but I am grateful for what it has taught me and for who I am becoming because of the sweet spirits that Heavenly Father has entrusted me. I know nurturing is my most important role and I hope that my boys can teach me how to be what they need.

(Note: I intended to post pictures of Coop with this post; a newborn pic from last year and a current 1 year one, but in my efforts to simplify--as you've noticed, simplifying lately means no blogging at all!--I am going to post it as is, and if I get time and it still seems "important" later, I will post it. I hope I will, 'cause he's such a cute boy, but right now, it's time for bed and sleep is what I "need" to be doing right now. I really am just trying to do what is needful and not feel like I "have" to do more than I can or should at the "right" time. Wow, I really am doing lots of philosophizing lately...it feels good though, I'm realizing I need to write more--I like it and I think it could be good therapy for me.)