Life is Good

It's time for bed. Chris said my bedtime was 10 or 10:30 pm tonight. He's studying like crazy for his last final (I'm proud he's working so hard) and the boys actually went down by 7 pm tonight, which meant I was able to crash on the couch for a few minutes (unintentionally), do the dishes, and work on random stuff that piles up now that I am not being so OCD anymore. And I can tell you, life is so much better when I'm not freaking out about "everything" and trying to do "everything" and focusing obsessively on all the little things in life that don't really matter. I have actually played with the boys multiple days this week (it's still weird to me that I was actually paid to play and struggled even then; I still have plenty to learn!). Ian and I made oatmeal cookies today, since he's been asking to do that for weeks, it was a small success that I finally followed through after telling him over and over that we would.

I think it is far too easy to become complacent and end up doing things that don't really make you happy, even though it makes sense intellectually that what you are doing doesn't make sense. I know I'm being really abstract, but it all makes sense to me, and the past few weeks have been very therapeutic for me. I feel better. I feel happier. I feel lighter; it's almost as if years of worry are being stripped off as I refocus my attention and self on the best things in life. I feel good and I hope I can keep doing what matters most, 'cause life really is good right now.

Adoration

I don't think I really ever grasped what it would be like to love your own children. But a year later, I guess I kind of feel like the Grinch whose heart grew three sizes. I am grateful for the growth I have experienced in the last year. Looking back there have been some really difficult times, but I feel blessed because I think I am better person as a result. It is amazing to experience the change brought about by a new baby. I think in a lot of way Cooper has helped me learn to love and play and slow down in ways I don't know that I would have otherwise. I remember when he was born, holding him and just staring at him, so sweet and innocence. It really is a holy experience to give birth and then hold in your arms a precious child of God, and to know that they are a little part of you, hoping with all your heart that you can be enough for him. When my father-in-law visited us at the hospital and held Cooper for the first time the night he was born, he became teary and whispered quietly that he was a very special spirit. I don't know that I quite understood then, nor do I think I fully do even now, but I do know I have been changed by Cooper. My heart is full with joy and gratitude for the love and happiness I feel as I hold and play with him. Motherhood is one of the most difficult things I have done thus far, but I am grateful for what it has taught me and for who I am becoming because of the sweet spirits that Heavenly Father has entrusted me. I know nurturing is my most important role and I hope that my boys can teach me how to be what they need.

(Note: I intended to post pictures of Coop with this post; a newborn pic from last year and a current 1 year one, but in my efforts to simplify--as you've noticed, simplifying lately means no blogging at all!--I am going to post it as is, and if I get time and it still seems "important" later, I will post it. I hope I will, 'cause he's such a cute boy, but right now, it's time for bed and sleep is what I "need" to be doing right now. I really am just trying to do what is needful and not feel like I "have" to do more than I can or should at the "right" time. Wow, I really am doing lots of philosophizing lately...it feels good though, I'm realizing I need to write more--I like it and I think it could be good therapy for me.)